Endless Longing

I was thinking about what I wrote in the Color of Love, and it hit me like a lightening bolt had shorted out my circuits. There was a time in my past, seems a life time ago, I did LOVE deeply and completely. I had forced it so far out of my mind it didn’t exist anymore.

I had been madly, truly, deeply in love with a man, we will call him Truth a fictitious name of course. We weren’t meant to fall in love; we were friends with very little in common. He was tall dark and handsome, his eyes were dark as a raven, his laugh infectious, he was a strong man yet gentle and we were fearless with our love, our world seem to not exist anymore. The only thing that mattered was him and I, almost as if we were Adam and Eve, no boundaries, no rules.

Our love was spontaneous, a secret language, a poetic waltz. We traded secrets, had pillow fights and dreamed of being insanely wild. We indulged in each others affection, like a starved man, stuffing his belly with food he so desperately needed. We left impression on fine linen sheets as we lay there barefaced and shameless.

Nothing written was ever left, no marks, no words, it was torn, discarded hidden within our memories. For if found death to our love would surely come. As the sun set over the pacific with rich shades of amber, reds and gold’s the deepest part of us began to take hold.

We were addicted to love; our hearts raced pounding more violent with each sighting. We belonged on different sides of the tracks, no one would approve, so our love kept silent, except for the times we could steal away. The street lamps became our compass, our beacon to shallow safe waters.

What we most desired lasted about a year and the ties had to be severed. He was leaving and I wouldn’t go. The pain was so great I felt I had died and was just functioning in an empty shell, nothing seemed to matter anymore. I was wounded beyond my hearts capacity to feel, I was so numb you would call my name and I couldn’t hear you, for I became deaf.

I cried night after night in my shower for then no one knew my tears were falling; they became one with the water. I cried for years and begged for God to take him out of my mind, out of my heart. And I made a deal with God, if he did I would never love that intensely again and I didn’t for what seemed like eternity.

I ran into him many many years later; we just happened to walk past each other in a city neither one of us belonged. He was so angry with me, still after all those years, he said he had looked for me like a parent looks and dreams for their lost child. He looked in places we use to meet; he would look towards the sunsets over the pacific for a sign, with no hope. He told me that he would never forgive me and this crushed my heart.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever endured; the pain is something I never would wish on anyone. My heart was ripped out of my body lying on the cold hard ground, dying. I saw him a few times as old friend, but my heart was guarded and I had made that deal with God, oh so long ago and I had to keep my side of the bargain and I did. I remembered our love like it was yesterday, I just could not ever bare the hurt to that degree again. I heard he finally married and I hope he is happy. He remains a vision of loveliness within my heart and will forever more.

                   Copyright  2010 Dani Thornton-Stock ~ Cashmereheart

 

 

 

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